Goodbye
by Missing Storyteller
Summary: The winds shake the trees around me and my hair flares in front of my face as I gather the words to say to him. It's always like this at first; I can never gather my thoughts enough to not make a complete fool of myself. Or sometimes, I get so bad that the memory of it all has me stock still, reliving, refeeling and suffering through what already was.


Goodbye

There had been so much time, trying to get healed and moved on, none of it is happening. I don't know what I can do or why it hurts this much… But it does, and I guess this is as it was going to end anyways.

The cemetery was quiet and cold. No one was around and I could feel the thickness of the souls looking down at me as I ventured off on my own self satisfying journey. It had been nearly a year now, about ten months really, and things have changed. Life is different and I miss him. More so than I could admit to myself or anyone else for the matter.

I began to slow down my walking pace as I reached my destination. The grave was covered with flowers of various colors and I couldn't bring myself to complete the beautiful collage. I didn't deserve it and I'm sure he wouldn't even want me to. The ones that are placed there are fine without me going and ruining them. I finally then squatted so that I stood face to face with the name forever carved into the stone. _Jacob Black._ It was always so surreal to look at his name being there. _And knowing it's my fault. _

The winds shake the trees around me and my hair flares in front of my face as I gather the words to say to him. It's always like this at first; I can never gather my thoughts enough to not make a complete fool of myself. Or sometimes, I get so bad that the memory of it all has me stock still, reliving, refeeling and suffering through what already was. I try to think of the good we had before, that maybe you do forgive me and maybe never had to… But I've always been known for living with my head one hundred feet in the clouds.

With the rustling of the leaves being birth by the fall season, I just open my mouth and let whatever has been held in out for you and all the others from above to hear.

"I know things weren't always… Easy between us, and you had a hard time dealing with me. But I do appreciate everything you did for me regardless. I feel horrible every day you come to mind and I wish I could take back every single last word I said to you. I think you're beautiful, an amazing brother, and stronger than me or anyone else I've ever met before. We argued a lot but… That's what we do right? I'm trying to believe that if things had been different that night, you would have came back home to us and we would have done our usual apology routine and that would have been the end of it. If I would have known…" And just like that, for the first time, I broke.

I never let my emotions show too much in front of the others, especially if I was hurting, they don't know how to handle it. But even when he's six feet under and decaying, Jacob gets me to express feelings I wish to lock away forever. I don't like feeling weak and all the damn time, but as Jacob said, it's healthy for me. And as of lately, I've been anything but healthy.

So while all alone with the spirits on a Wednesday evening, I allowed myself the privilege to actually mourn what I did. Not only for starting that stupid argument, but running him off so many times before that. I cried for Jake, I cried for the pack, but mostly, I cried for me. I lost my best friend over the stupidest thing. And I'll never get him back. Ever.

"I know… It means nothing anymore since you're gone but…" I wiped my eyes even as the tears continued to fall and sighed before continuing. "I'm so sorry. You know I love you Jake, I would never want anything, let alone you dying, to happen but I took you for granted and this is what I get right? I mean, I'm selfish and irritating to those I love and don't deserve any of you. You especially." The wind blew the tears off my face and into the crisp darkening air. I wondered if the tear would fall somewhere, possibly land on a plant, and help the seedling to grow. I found that thought ironic seeing as the tear was from the pain of a death.

I couldn't really hold myself up anymore and fell over onto my knees. My head tilted towards the flower and the aroma caught in my nose. It smelled of peace, freshness and **life. **Something so not fit for the resting place of the forever resting. But who was I to decide on something like that? What do I know?

The tears finally stopped and the wall came back up. I could only allow myself that once, and never again. Who am I to cry when he's the one who lost his life? Things couldn't really much worse than that.

I kissed the tip of my pointer and middle finger and placed them to the top of the cold stone. I hope he got the kiss wherever he may be. It's all I can give that isn't completely worthless. But that isn't even really enough. Nothing will ever be enough to fix any of this.

"I love you Jacob. We all do. And I doubt you have any idea what I'm willing to sacrifice to have you back at home… Where I think you truly belong. Goodbye my angel."

I rose up and slowly turned to leave this unsettled place. I'm sure all those there, dead or not, shook their heads at the now hardened expression I had, but I could care less. I missed out on one of life's best things ever. And for once, it was all my fault. But as I looked back one last time, I thought I heard a whisper dancing with the wind running along my whole body.

_I love you too Leah._

A/N- Just some leftover feelings I needed to get out there. Sorry for errors, it was just a quick thing.

-MST


End file.
